Hold Me Like Before
by Josslen Potter
Summary: "Just hold me, Harry. That's all you have to do. Hold me like you used to back at school." "I'm sorry… I can't. It's not fair…" He was trying to convince himself just as much as he was trying to convince me. One-shot, based off a dream I had.


_**This is a one-shot story based off of a dream I had the other night.**_

_**I DO NOT own Harry Potter, it belongs to Queen Rowling. (**though a girl can dream.**)**_

**_I hope you enjoy and please review! Thank you. 3_**

**_-Josslen._**

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><p>I walked out into the middle of the forest clearing; our tent was stationed a couple hundred yards away on the hill presiding over the clearing. The leaves cracked loudly underneath our feet as I lead us into the center of the red, yellow and orange filled circle.<p>

As soon as I stopped, I heard the second set of footsteps stop too.

I looked up to the sky, watching the world slowly dim, fading into the afternoon setting. The sky was set in a deep orange with hints of yellow sun rays shining through the trees. There was no movement from the figure behind me as I knew he was just studying my every move.

"It's beautiful out here for the fact that there is a war going on..." I said quietly. "It's good to know that the sun is still shining even on the darkest of days."

He didn't say anything but a humble "Mhm" while still watching my back.

I sighed out quietly, running a hand through my brown curls then adjusting my oversized knit sweater, pulling it down to the cover my fingers, trying to protect them from the cold wind that is lightly biting at our faces. I never thought we could ever run out of things to say but here are. Not speaking a word yet the silence hangs in the air like it normally would, though something has definitely changed.

I turned to him, finally, letting my lightly tied combat boots crinkle more of the leaves beneath my feet as I walked to him slowly. His bright emerald eyes were alight with passion, fear, pain, and confusion. Passion that I knew he still had for me, Fear of what was to come, Pain of knowing what's he done to me, and Confusion for why we were out in the cold like this.

I didn't know what to say or do anymore. Many months on the run and my mind has just completely shut down to any comprehendible emotion but the feeling of touch.

As I felt my feet move my body towards him, I knew that the only thing I could use was the sense of touch. Hoping somehow that the touch would explain every emotion I knew I felt but had locked away for the better of the world at stake.

As I approached him, his eyes widened. His body stiffened but it didn't ring true. This wasn't the same person I loved once. Still do. He was faking it. There was no way this could be happening.

I reached him and wrapped my arms around his neck in a tight embrace, pressing my body against him not for warmth but for understanding and imploring him to remember the feelings he had for me.

He just stood there, stiffly. Not daring to move but I could feel the fight inside him. His heart was beating loudly, screaming at him to hold me back but his head was pounding away, yelling at him that this wasn't right, or fair, or whatever else it justified to him as wrong.

"Just hold me, Harry. That's all you have to do. Hold me like you used to back at school." I whispered in his ear, making my voice as soft as the cold air around us.

For a moment, he began to wrap his arms around my waist, lightly with his finger tips and went to rest himself into my body but suddenly he changed.

Mid-thought he lightly pushed me from him, dropping any connection we had made in that small embrace.

He stared at me, and I couldn't find any emotion in those emerald eyes of his. Just some sort of sadness.

I froze, feeling the ache in my heart return just as when he first spoke the words 'We can't do this' from what seemed to be so long ago.

"I'm sorry… I can't. It's not fair…" He said slowly, like he was trying to convince himself that those words were true as he turned away from me. His body was shaking…

Or maybe that was just me.

I realized I was shaking so hard that I was surprised to even be standing. This couldn't be happening, not again. I was so close. I had let my heart open once more to try and feel the emotions I knew had but again he closed off, threw me aside for the good of the cause. Again.

"F-Fair!" I managed to stammer out with a choked voice. "What's not fair, Harry? The fact that you still have feelings for me but don't want to show it or…" A slow realization hit me. "…Or is there someone else I should know about?" I could feel the lump in my throat grow bigger, the pain in my heart grow deeper and the tears in my eyes form.

He made no point to turn and face me but slightly turned his head in my direction so as to hear his voice.

"It's not fair to you. That's all. I told you once before, we can't do this so long as Voldemort is still out there." He was quiet and controlled but I knew him better. I could feel the shakiness of every thought he had. He was trying to convince himself just as much as he was trying to convince me.

He turned away from me again and I could see his hands shake now, he wasn't so strong anymore and neither was I.

A huge lump was stuck right in my chest as I tried to breathe carefully but something was pointing me in the direction of anger. Had he chosen someone else? Hermione? Cho? No, he could barely look at Cho anymore and Hermione? Psh, never. I knew him well enough for that, but there was someone else I forgot to manage into the equation.

Ginny.

That damn, red headed girl. Everything started to make sense. They hung out over the summer, they would laugh at things together privately, and he would always stare at her even when I was in the room. But wasn't I just being paranoid? He was with me all summer long.

"_But that doesn't explain his sudden closeness with her. The way they shared a secret smile, how they would talk quietly behind everyone's back…"_ an dark voice said in my head. _"She's the reason he did this to you. Why else would he never explain their relationship to you when you aksed?" _The dark voice said, again. 'No…he would never…' I tried to reason but somehow, it was just too feeble. The argument the dark voice had was valid. And that valid point sent me over the brink. I could feel my mind and heart all unravel at once, tears stinging my eyes once again.

I was livid. It must be her. I couldn't handle this. 'Had he ever cheated on me with her! I would kill him! That bastard! How dare he!'

My whole body was shaking now with rage but the tears were pushed back until I could cry alone. I would not cry in front of him again. No way.

He was just standing with his back to me and I couldn't take it anymore.

"_AT LEAST FACE ME, YOU COWARD! AT LEAST ADMIT THAT THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE IN THE PICTURE!"_ I screamed loudly at him in a shrill voice that I didn't even recognize as my own.

He turned quickly to face me with widened eyes, fear or worry playing on his face. I couldn't tell and at this point, I didn't care.

He stared at me and shook his head. "You don't have to worry about anything like that; please don't be upset Joss-" _"DON'T. DON'T SAY MY NAME WITH THAT VOICE OF YOURS, LIKE YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME!"_ I screamed again in the shrill voice. My breathing was ragged and heavy. My chest hurt, but I thought that was just my heartache. Nothing made sense at this point, except that he had hurt me once again. Rage flowed through my body and I wanted to hit him, hurt him, and make him cry like he had done to me in the past. I wanted to make him feel my pain. No matter what.

He looked concerned, scared and hurt all the same time. "Josslen, what are you talking about? I do care about you! You should know that!" He almost yelled at me, bewilderedly. He took a step forward and I took a step back, grabbing my wand from my pocket and pointing it at him, eyes wide in anger. _"No! Don't come any closer and don't lie to me!" _

His eyes widened more and put his hands up. "Josslen, what are you doing! Put the wand down, I'm not lying. I promise!"

"_Lies! You would promise things all the time and look where it has gotten me! A broken heart and the worst chest pain imaginable!"_ I screamed again, closing my eyes.

My chest pain seemed to getting worse as the time ticked by. The rage began to grow more and more but the pain was something I had never experienced before.

He watched me, silently, as though he was trying to think quickly as I clutched my chest and a realization it me.

**I had the locket on.**

I gasped and he took another step forward, quickly. "Josslen?"

That dark voice was the locket and the evil Horcrux inside. It had found my darkest fears and used them against me.

I shook my head and dropped my wand, using both hands to forcefully yank the Horcrux from my chest and throwing it to the ground, collapsing away from the item.

"Josslen!" Harry ran to my side and held onto me, tightly. My breathing was shallow but I felt my heart become lighter. I pulled back slightly as I felt my chest through my sweater. There was a deep indent where the locket had been.

It had gotten to me.

The tears came fast and hard. The pain from the indent, the fear of what could have happened if I had not noticed the locket, and the realization of what I had said to Harry.

He held onto me as I cried into his shoulder, knowing it was ruining his sweater. "I-I'm so s-sorry, Harry…" I cried over and over again as he rubbed my back, holding onto me sweetly.

"Ssh, don't cry. It's not your fault, it was just the locket talking." I shook my head against him. "N-no, you d-don't understand, it really was me! T-the locket just amplifies what your h-hearts darkest thoughts are…" I began to cry even more. I felt like such a horrible person. I had suspected him of cheating when we were actually together, I thought he didn't care about me, I wanted to **hurt** him!

He didn't say a word but just held me there, rubbing my back lightly. I can't stay here. I need to get myself together.

I broke away from him, quietly standing and grabbing my wand, calming my tears for just a moment. "I need to go figure myself out. I'll be back soon."

He rose in confusion. "Are you going to be alright? I don't think you should go off by yourself like this." There he was, caring for me again. 'God, what had I done to ever deserve this kind of treatment after what I just said to him.'

I shook my head, giving a small smile. "I can handle myself, but thank you. I just need to be alone right now." I gave him one last small smile before turning away and walking far off from the clearing. I needed to sort my thoughts out.

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><p>Harry picked up the locket and watched Josslen walk away from him, just like he watched her after the break up. He still had that feeling of chasing after her, holding her tightly and apologizing over and over, admitting his love for her in every way possible he can but he wouldn't.<p>

He couldn't.

No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't. His life didn't allow for him to be happy, in any way possible. And until he had control of his life, he never could be happy.

Not with Josslen, not with anyone.

He sighed as she disappeared out of sight and walked back to the tent where Ron and Hermione were waiting, secretly admitting his love for Josslen though she couldn't hear a single word of it.

The sky was dark now and the air was frosty, nipping at my exposed cheeks giving them a rosy pink color while blowing my hair about as lightly as possible as I slowly made my way back to the tent.

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><p>I had been out in the forest for several hours, just thinking and letting my cries only be heard by the wind and trees. I sat in front of an icy lake and just let myself cry for hours before finally the tears could no longer flow down my face. I became strong once more and then began to think about everything I could possibly think about.<p>

Harry, Ron, Hermione, how wrong I had been to think evil things about Ginny, the search for the Horcruxes, what other kind of evil awaits us out on this journey, my family, my best friend Avaline, my dogs, the day fading into night, every conversation I ever had with Dumbledore, why Voldemort became so evil, James and Lily, why I have the life I have, etc..

Now finally able to control my emotions and being able to lock them away for a while, I was ready to return to the others but all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to speak, eat or think. Just sleep.

My body seemed to be on auto-pilot as I climbed the hill to the tent, walked inside, greeted the others, changed into pajamas, and climbed into bed. Hermione asked if I was hungry and I just smiled, shaking my head politely declining the offer but thanking her all the same.

I felt his eyes on me from the moment I walked in. It was as though he was anticipating another blow out of emotion or if I was any different from before. I tried to shake it off but as I lay in bed I gave him a smile of confirmation that I was alright and turned over. Though I heard them leave the tent for Ron to go on watch and Hermione to find more herbs for potions, I knew he was still there. Watching me. And no matter how hard I tried to sleep, I couldn't drift off with the feeling of his eyes on my back.

Suddenly I heard footsteps move closer to me and a body slide into my bed, arms wrapping around my waist, pulling me closer to them and a whisper in my ear.

"I will always love you, care for you and be here for you. There has never been anyone else and there never will be. I know you're awake and I want you to know that I do love you. Though I know neither of us will be happy until we are with the other, we can't. Not right now. My life is unfair and it's unfair to you as well. Everything that has happened is my fault and I am not allowed to be happy until I fix it. 'Neither can live while the other survives.' I'm not allowed any happiness; it is always taken from me. Including you. But, if you will wait for me, I can promise that I will always return to you."

The tears had returned again. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He really loved me. He wanted me. There was no one else. It was his fault? I wanted to cry all over again.

I turned to him, keeping his arms tight around me but to where we faced each other. He was just watching me, his emerald eyes filled with the intensity that matched the words he had just spoken to me. I sighed and moved a piece of his hair out of his forehead, showing his scar through the strands. It didn't have to be this way… He needed to know that.

"Harry, I will always, love, care and be here for you, too but you have to understand that it doesn't have to be this way. Though your life hasn't been the greatest, nothing is your fault. Voldemort chose you, from fear alone, because of who your parents were. You didn't ask for this and in no way possible is it your fault. You've been chosen to fix the world and that is a great honor, scary as it may be you have to realize, that you of **all **people deserve to be happy. You alone deserve to be happy and although, right now it doesn't seem like it, your happiness will come. No matter whom you choose it to be with." I tried to show him the truth, he really did deserve happiness and I would always be here for him, even if he decided to love someone else.

He pulled me even closer to him and put our foreheads together, lips almost touching, his hot breath on my face.

"So, even though I'm a personal health risk to you and everyone around me, you'll stay with me?" and what he said next nearly stopped my heart. "Because I don't think I could go on without you by my side."

I stared into his eyes and gave a small smile, stroking his cheek. "If I had decided to ever leave you, do you think I would still be here? You're not getting rid of me that easily, Potter." I winked at him playfully and he smiled, closing the gap between us and kissing me passionately.

Everything felt right, his lips on my mine, and the warmth of his body, how we synced with each other perfectly, despite the fact that we barely had any physical contact in about 6 months, the passion of every kiss we shared. Everything.

For once, in a very long time, we both knew where we belonged and nothing mattered, not the war, not the conditions we were in, and not even the fact the Ron was watching us in awe as Hermione dragged him away while Harry climbed on top of me. Nothing.


End file.
